He's sickeningly charming. He's totally wrong for you. He knows exactly how to push your buttons and does so without hesitation. He drives you absolutely crazy. So why do you keep going back?
Every woman experiences this guy at some point. He takes you on incredible adventures to abandoned parks and sky-high rooftops. He has a playlist for everything the two of you do together: driving, sex--he even has one specifically dedicated to how he feels about you. At first you think this is the Noah of your Nicholas-Sparks-created fantasy. But before long, you realize how much you can't stand him.
It all started with mind games. His gorgeous smile and boldly stated compliments made you feel confident enough to try your hand at hard-to-get. You entertained his flirting, but never reciprocated. You made plans late at night, only to show up with your textbooks in hand, making him a study date, not a hook up. You always kept him just close enough to know he had a shot, but just far enough to make it clear that you were in control.
Just as you were ready to make the first move, he swept in. One of his perfectly put-together playlists swelled over you and you drowned in a sea of indie artists you had never heard of. He kisses you with more force and passion than you have ever seen outside of a cinematic sex scene. Everything from this moment on becomes a blur and it isn't until you open your eyes with panting breaths that you fully take in what just happened.
You're entranced. Your every thought revolves around this guy and what thrilling roller coaster ride he's going to take you on next. But after a few weeks of forgiving unanswered texts or making rain checks, you realize he's now dragging you along. You build up the courage to stand up to him; you've spent an hour scripting an angry independent woman rant in your head about how you will not settle for less than you deserve. You show up at his house ready to explode and...
A playlist made in your name is melting through the speakers and he brings you a plate full of the first real, home-cooked food you've had in a month. While you're deciding between filling your mouth with the delicious rosemary chicken or emptying it of your scripted speech, he pours you a glass of wine and tells you how beautiful you are. And just like that, you're right back in. After an hour of witty banter so pretentious you could vomit, he pulls you in for a kiss. It's a matter of minutes before you're whisked away to his bed, thinking only of how you feel like Allie when Noah carries her in from the rain.
Until you decide that this isn't right. You came here to end things with him, what the hell are you doing letting him undress you? You protest his hands fumbling over your zipper and are met with a stronger grip and the words "Why don't you trust me?" You fight against his hands for what feels like hours until he looks you in the eyes long enough to feel it in your spine, and walks silently out of the room.
You try to find the words to say but your speech is now a jumbled mess of angry thoughts. You decide to leave but are stopped by his towering body pressed against the door, begging you not to leave. Furious, you unleash every thing you've bottled up, how you don't and shouldn't trust him, how he drives you crazy, how you hate the way he ditches plans with you to see someone else, how you hate the way he plays your favorite song whenever you're upset with him, how you hate everything about him. And while you're yelling, you realize how much you love the drama. Here you are, a measly 5'8" girl standing on her toes to look up at a boy blocking her from the door. You're screaming and he's begging you to stay and his sex playlist is still on in the background and suddenly you're in the climax scene of a romantic movie and the only thing missing is a dramatic storm out. And that's exactly what you do.
And it continues. He takes you to look at the stars and listen to velvety smooth underground music, and you go back and forth with witty jokes that only the two of you understand. He showers you with poetic compliments and you bask in them while you run your fingers through his hair. He asks you, for the fiftieth time, why you refuse to be his girlfriend and you explain, for the fiftieth time, that you two are incompatible on every level except for how mad you drive each other. This leads to a heated argument followed by an intense make out session interrupted by a heated screaming match which blows up until one of you is forced to storm away.
Yet you go back, again. You are enticed by the drama. You are addicted to the adrenaline rush you get from yelling and screaming to grabbing each other and kissing. You hate the fighting but you love the passion. So you go back over and over and you tolerate everything going on behind the scenes because the scenes are holding you two together. Without the fighting and the sex there is no substance- no agreement on religion, politics, even basic human rights. Opposites may attract on the same planet but the two of you are in two different universes where the only thing you have in common is your passion.
And you're content, until you mistake that passion for something stronger. Until you're so desperate for something real in your romantic movie world that you try to fabricate it. In true love story fashion, you write a letter, saying simply that you are falling in love with them. You leave it on their table, coyly whispering in their ear to only read it after you've left. Fueled by the mystery, they pull you up around their waist and into the most powerful kiss you've ever felt. Fireworks explode and for a moment you actually believe that there was some truth in your writing. You guiltily decide you can't continue until you know that they feel the same, so you pull away. And all of a sudden you're back to that first night.
You're pushing and pulling to get away and their only concern is why you don't trust them. Angry and confused, you storm out the door a final time and wait. You spend several minutes fantasizing about them running out to stop you from leaving, kissing you and confessing their love for you. Nothing. The spotlights that have blinded you shut off and you suddenly realize that this isn't a performance, this is reality. Embarrassed and regretful, you leave and vow to never return.
Texts pop up on your phone. He's angry that you left. He's flattered by your letter. He's not in love with you. Of course he isn't! Because people don't act like that when they're in love. Someone who is in love with you will never keep you guessing. Someone who is worthy of your trust will never take "no" as an excuse to tighten their grip. Someone who wants to be with you won't turn a fight into a scene and a relationship into a performance.
This problem doesn't end here. The guy I kept going back to ended up writing me a love letter, which I politely rejected. He told the next guy I dated that we were still fooling around, so that I never got a second date (but I did get called a c*nt). He attempted to sabotage my first real relationship by fabricating text conversations and harassing my boyfriend. He later confessed to sleeping with five other girls while he was with me. He spread lies about our relationship to his coworkers who harassed me in public. He held on to the drama of it all and fought so hard to keep it going until I had to erase him from my life completely.
Romance movies are meant to stay fictional. Screaming matches that cause nasty public scenes should be as unrealistic as Noah dangling off a Ferris wheel in his underwear. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in the drama and mistake it for a relationship fantasy. It's harmful, unhealthy, and unsafe. You deserve better than someone who asks to be trusted while they are clawing at your zipper.
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